Tag Archives: losing a mother

Thick Skin and an Elastic Heart-Cope with losing a mother

25 Feb


My mother died of Cancer two months after my 15th birthday. I had seen her deteriorate from a beautiful woman to just an 80 pound bald shell of herself. Although, I loved/love my mother with all my heart and Id sacrifice anything for five minutes with her I didn’t shed a tear when she passed.  No, I’m not some sociopath that didn’t care.  That was just the way my mind dealt with the loss.  I dissociated it from me. I ignored it away. Compartmentalized it as something that happened that I had to get over and move on. Later on my emotions would fluctuate from sadness to rage to just feeling numb.

When your mother dies and you’re a young girl it changes the direction of your life. You will never be the same. The loss lives in your body. Every couple of years it hits me.  I assure anyone who is suppressing it will end up grieving it later. It might be much later 5, 10, 20 years down the line.  I find myself dreaming of my mother and I shopping at the Gap and trying on clothes (she’s much more inclined to agree with my taste in fashion in my dreams). Sometimes I dream I am at my current adult age and I live with her and her husband in a house and I have a curfew and rules as if I were a child.

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Soon after my mother passed I went to live with my grandparents in another state.  My grades that were 85 and 90’s soon plummeted, I cut school and I finished high school in a home school program. My self esteem was on the floor and I always thought of myself as fat.  When I look back at my pictures I was not a fat 15-year-old by any means.  I was not very respectful to my grandparents who were good enough to take care of me.

My hope is for any young girl that has lost their mother is not to suppress it.  I wish as a young girl I had talked about it in therapy or to a school counselor. My grandparents were older and English is their second language. I don’t think they knew how to do that for me.  If that’s your case, do it yourself.  

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  • Go to your school counselor or an adult or family member you love and trust. TALK, TALK, TALK about your anger, sadness, fear, rage anything.
  • Cry it out and journal everything and anything you can’t bring yourself to say.
  • Do constructive things that you love such as writing, music art or whatever it is that brings you joy or try something new.
  • Join a club in school ( drama, art,science)  and associate with POSITIVE FRIENDS.  That means do not become friends or stay friends with anyone who puts you down in any way.  Do not stay or become friends with people who drink, do drugs or smoke.
  • 20 minutes of Aerobic exercise a day.  Your energy whether its anger, fear, or joy needs to flow through and out of your body. Exercise those feelings out of you!
  • This is strictly a personal matter but I find that prayer works. You can tell God everything that’s on your mind.
  • Remember if you’re living with family members they are usually doing the best they can. They’re in pain too. Be gentle.

Don’t give up on life and stay on the right path.  The first guy who comes around you in your moment of sadness isn’t your savior.  You are, I promise you that!

I’d like to you to know I’m not a therapist or a counselor. I’m speaking directly from my heart and life experience.  These are the things I WISH someone would’ve told me when my mother passed. I hope this helps. Feel free to comment!

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My mother

 

Sending you lots of Love,

Michelle

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